Do You Remember?

Do you remember the e-rickshaw ride that we had back to the campus? I was wearing my pink kurta and I guess you wore one of your breezy shirts. Do you remember how there was something wrong with the rickshaw and it was unimaginably slow and how weird it was to see everyone overtaking us, even the pedestrians? I am having all those flashbacks today when I am here after two years. Did I tell you that I didn't want that ride to end. I don't remember us speaking a lot that day. Silence did all the talks there. But I know you understood. Did you feel the electricity too?

As I go on, I feel thoughts rushing through my mind as storms. Storms that carry people; people from the past. I found myself entangled amidst the storm. I feel so much, suddenly. As I enter through the gate, I see the older me. Me who was young and stupid and naive. I see myself rushing to the class every day. It felt surreal. Like I was back in those days when life was all about the struggle of attending the 8:40 class. Everything looked the same. It's just that I felt invisible today like nobody can see me. They were passing by without noticing me. No one to wave and say hi, no one to even exchange a smile. Everyone I knew has left. This is just a place now filled with memories and flashbacks.

Do you remember how we sat outside MacDonald's on that thin platform? I thought our bums actually won't fit there but then they did. We sat and talked about life. That was the first time when we were not really using silence to talk. We found our words. I remember how you used to wrap your arms around my waist and we use to walk like little ninjas all around the campus. Do you remember the comfort we shared? 

As I walk through the baddy court, I remembered my jazz sessions. She used to tell me that I do jazz like it's Kathak. And that I need to work on my hands. She wanted me to not be shy and show the side of me that I didn't know existed. The side that is uninhibited and unapologetic. The side that doesn't care and is unabashed. She called it the sexier side and then chuckled. In those dance sessions, I used to become the person, she wanted me to be. And I used to feel liberated and free.

Do you remember those morning walks? You wanted me to sleep early and wake up early. You wanted me to see the world that I don't see every day. And you did show me. But did I tell you that the motivation was not the sunrise or the morning, it was you? Just you. Do you remember how those walks used to end every day? I hope you do.

Marley and Me

I will never know what makes this video so special. Is it John & Jenny, the kids, the dog, or the snow? Or is it just the fact that everything in their life starts changing from this very day.

I could so relate to "the list" that Jenny had in the beginning. All of us have a list. It's just that some of us are vocal about it while the others keep denying its existence. John and Jenny get married, move to a new city, get jobs but their life actually begins when they get Marley home. Marley, the dog or the devil who took the face of a dog? HAHA! It was hilarious to watch Marley getting expelled from "the obedient school." I laughed when Marley tried to crash through screen doors or run away with Jenny's undergarment or start eating everything he could from sofas to jewelry but my heart went out to him when I saw him getting restless and scared in the thunderstorm. Marley was a mess, a beautiful mess, and I don't think he could have found better parents than John and Jenny. Perhaps they needed him too. I was just sitting on the other side of the screen watching them giving each other so much love. I wanted to be in there too. But I am no dog person. I might have been scared of Marley. Though I do believe that Marley would have loved me so much that I would have ended up becoming a "Marley person."

I have never had a pet so I don't really know how it works with them. It was heartbreaking to see John and Jenny lose their first baby. But the only solace was that Jenny had Marley to hug it out. She hugged him and kept crying. Marley was there, as always. 

Marley was also there when Jenny got Patrick, their first child, home. It was funny to see John having that little chat with Marley where he is asking him to not freak out seeing the kid and at the same time expecting himself also to do the same. Marley did not freak out, he jumped at the newborn. One of my favorite scene in the movie is where Jenny introduces Marley to Patrick. 

Their life became even more adventurous now. John started capturing these little everyday adventures with Marley and Patrick in the newspaper column he wrote every week. His column used to be funny, silly, and sometimes just sad. Life went on. John and Jenny had their second baby, Conor, and subsequently the third, Colleen. But everything cannot be so dreamy. Jenny chose to leave her job to take care of the home, they were building together. She was still having a hard time managing the three babies and Marley. And then there comes a day when she just breaks down and asks John to take Marley away. I could feel Jenny's pain when she said so. I have seen my mom as exhausted as Jenny was in that moment. Raising a kid or a dog is hard. But I think it's also worth it. John and Jenny had some wonderful moments together with the family. Perhaps the last was the one in the video above. I took that video while watching the movie and then kept watching it again and again. I don't have a husband or a kid. I have never had a pet. I have also never been in snow but everything in that video looked just perfect. What more would anyone want from life? That day was everything that I seek. But it was the last.

Marley was old now. It was painful to see him that way. It was painful to see the kids realizing that Marley is going to die. I saw John and Jenny bring the little puppy home, then I saw them name him Marley. I also saw Marley becoming a 100-pound crazy dog. He had a good and fulfilling life. But none of this made me feel any better about what was happening. I could still not see him die. It was still harrowing to see Marley lie still in the grave while Conor and Colleen read him letters. 

In his last conversation with Marley, John said, "Listen, you know all that stuff we always said about you? What a total pain you are? The world's worst dog? Well, don't you believe it. Don't believe it for a minute. You loved us, every day, no matter what. And that's a pretty amazing thing. Look, I don't know where you're going from here, but you remember this: You're a great dog, Marley. You are a great dog." I could not do much but sob at this. Marley was indeed a great dog. He was no good boy, he was John and Jenny's Marley and you just cannot not love him. 

Goodbye clearance puppy! You had one hell of a life.

Take a Deep Breath

Take a deep breath.

This isn't the end of the world.

It's okay to feel hollow

It's okay to feel the void

The pain might be gut-wrenching

It's okay. Take a deep breath.

Do not hold back. Cry.

It's fine if you break down.

Do not punish yourself.

Your pain is yours as much as

your happiness is.

Embrace it. Let it be.

Hug your pillow, curl up inside the sheets and go to sleep. It isn't your fault.

The next morning will bring a better day.

A day where the pain might still be there.

But you shall be better prepared.

Do not push yourself but keep at it. 

The pain must not wash away,

the memory of good times.

Do not let it ruin your soul

It shall not make you a bitter person.

Take a deep breath.

This isn't the end of the world.

Isn't It High Time to Have His Firsts?

He was bogged down with all the worldly responsibilities.

Amidst daily chores, kids, and family

Somewhere he got lost.

I wonder if he ever found himself. 

For his childhood was no different.

Destiny made him an adult. So soon.

The mind that was supposed to think about games,

Was worried about earning a living.

The thought that there was no one,

to attend his parent-teacher meeting,

to wish him luck before his exams

Makes my heart ache.

There was no hand on his shoulders,

Nobody to back him up.

No one to pick him, if he falls.

He has learned to walk alone.

For he has been doing the same for a while now.

My heart aches when I think of the innocence that was killed.

Does he think about how his life would have been different,

Had there been an adult in his home. 

Had there been someone by his side.

I want to take him to woods and make him listen to the call of that bird he loves.

I want to buy him his favorite jacket, he couldn't buy for he was saving for his kid.

My heart mourns when I see him sacrificing his little pleasures.

I want him to be a little selfish, for he is fifty now.

I wonder if he is capable of doing that. 

I want to tell him to go to the mountains and see his first snowfall. 

If not now then when? Isn't it high time to have his firsts?

Half a life spent in feeding everyone.

Doesn't the other half belong to his hungry soul?

My Cup of Tea

I dread the time I go home,

and sit alone with my cup of tea.

I wonder if the tea also thinks the same.

We are left alone at each other's mercy

for quite some time.

I wonder if she likes my company.

As tears roll down my cheek, 

I see her questioning my eyes.

My cup of tea wants me to talk

As the steam touches my eyes,

I can feel her wiping my tears.

Her warmth trying to reach my soul.

The soul that has been cold for a while.

Her efforts do reach my soul,

but I still don't feel warm; I try to fake it 

for her disappointment worries me.

She is the only one, I've got for a while.

I fear losing her. I fear losing her efforts.