21-Aug-2017

I am 22 years old and this is a narrative of the day (21-Aug-2017) that changed my perspective towards life.

It was a regular day. I woke up and was rushing to get ready for office ignoring the slight pain that I had in my stomach since morning. I was planning my day and was only worried about some stupid song that has been playing in my head for I did not want to sing it aloud in front of people.

I reached office and attended a couple of meetings struggling with the pain that was still persistent. The doctor at the infirmary gave me a tablet for acidity but it didn’t work. I wanted to work so I sat on my workstation with a hot water bag trying to ignore the pain which was intensifying with every passing second.

Suddenly it shook me and I found myself crying and shivering because of the excruciating pain. That’s when my colleagues noticed me and decided to drop me home (hostel).

I came back home and was lying on the bed. I remember not being able to get up. I remember feeling helpless. All my efforts to get up and do something were going in vain. Suddenly, amidst that pain, I realized that my door is locked from inside and there was nobody on the floor due to office hours. The chain of thoughts that followed was scarier and hence I was pushing myself to keep my eyes open. Finally, after an hour of struggle, I was in my senses. I picked up my phone and called my aunt who lives nearby in the same city. My uncle and aunt came to pick me up in 15 mins and they took me to a hospital.

I was admitted to the emergency ward. By now, the pain that had started in the lower abdomen has reached to my shoulders. Every breath was painful. The doctor and I were still of the opinion that it was some sort of stomach infection. I was in pain but I hoped to be fine as soon as possible so that I could work on the new project at the office that I had been excited about for quite some time. The pain was still persistent and hence I was taken for an ultrasound.

The person who was doing the ultrasound looked shocked. I could hear the whispers in the room. I still remember the worried faces of the doctors and nurses. I remember my aunt calling my parents who were miles away in my hometown completely unaware of how things had unfolded since the morning. She told them that some cell has ruptured in the stomach due to which a lot of blood has released. I did not get enough time to think about how my parents must have reacted to this. I was on the stretcher now and was being taken to another room for CT scan. I had seen all this only on television and was scared if this test is going to be painful. The irony of the situation was that any amount of pain could not have added to my suffering for I was already in a lot of pain.

All the tests were done. I was screaming on the stretcher in the emergency ward. My brother was arranging blood donors, the doctors were taking my signature on the consent forms as I was going to be operated. The chaos was not only around me, it was inside me as well. I asked the doctor if I was going to be okay and she said, certainly. That time was the scariest time of my life. I was not able to breathe properly. The worried faces of doctors were not hidden to me. In that pain also, I could sense the risk. I was scared because I wanted to live. People who die in their early twenties never plan death, in fact, no one does. Everyone plans life. I remember being scared of death. My mind was hounded with questions like what will happen if I die? Where will I go? In that moment I was collecting all my inner strength that can make my desire to live stronger. It is so easy to fall in self-pity and hate your life but that one moment made me realize how precious life is. It is very difficult for me to describe how badly I wanted to survive this and get back to work or my normal routine.

I was taken to the operation theatre. I asked Dr. Pallavi if it is going to hurt. She said I won’t feel a thing. That did not calm me down for it might be one of the lasts. One of the last moment when I am in senses. I might not be able to come to senses ever again. I asked the doctor again, this time directly. Am I going to die? She said firmly, no. We’re going to save you, don’t worry. After that, I don’t remember anything.

I opened my eyes. It was a dark room. I could see patients around me. My mind was at peace now. The chaos has subsided. I was happy to be alive. My aunt came to see me and I asked her what is the time. She said it’s 11 PM and you are completely fine now. My parents came to meet me around 1. I remember not being able to laugh or cry because of the stitches on the stomach. I distinctly remember the nurse who was there to give me water. She was around whole night and was beside me on every beck and call. She told me how human beings get scared of little injuries. She said nothing has happened to you and you will be completely fine by morning. She knew nothing about me or how critical I was a few hours ago but she said it with such a conviction that I believed her. She played a big role in my recovery for I believed what she said. I believed her when she told me everything is fine. I woke up early next morning. And after a long time saw the sunrise from the big glass window beside my bed.

My friends visiting me in hospital

I was in ICU the whole day, mostly alone except the visiting hours when friends and relatives were coming to see me. There were only patients and nurses. I was surprised to see the devotion with which they were serving us. Nursing is one of the noblest profession in the world. After the surgery, the days that followed were also difficult for I was not able to walk on my own. Being completely helpless brought a new humility in my life. Thinking that you are self-sufficient and you do not need anyone is the biggest illusion of a human being. You will always need people in your life. Nursing can also be a depressing job for you are always around diseased people but what I experienced in those two days was unimaginable. I remember how the smile of that nurse filled me with hope.

Dad feeding me

My doctor told me that she saw a case like this in 1993 and then it was mine. I came out of that pain fit and fine. After the treatment, while I was recovering, there used to be moments of self-pity. I hated being helpless, not being able to do daily chores on my own. I hated not being able to go to the office. But the redemption was the memory of that moment when I was in the emergency ward and the only thing that I wanted was life.

I am only 22 and have a bucket full of aspirations and dreams. I want to live those dreams and am glad that I got another chance.

A chance to live!