Writer?

Have you watched the show Girls?

If you are a woman reading this and have not watched the show, please do. I think it's streaming on Hotstar. 

There is a scene where Hanna Horvath finally gets a writing job in a famous magazine. She soon realises that it's not a real writing gig. She would not be a staff writer but would be writing advertorials. The perks of the corporate job, free snacks, and a good chair, all seem a sham now. She cries. Talks to some of her colleagues who were also writers in college, before they got this job. They won competitions, wrote poetry, and drama but have not written anything for years now. One of them tells her that even though he has not been able to do it, it's still possible. He says, you only have to go home and write for three hours before going to bed. Hanna agrees, comes back home with a plan, but ends up falling asleep on the sofa itself without writing a word.

The scene hit me hard. 

I have also been doing jobs that are not real writing gigs. I call myself a writer. It looked weird when I wrote it on my Twitter bio but I did it anyway. I desperately want to be a writer. Sometimes I think maybe I just love the idea of writing but I don't have it in me.

I know I am not a gifted writer. My sentences are not lyrical. I didn't grow up reading a lot of English books. In fact in school, I used to write in Hindi. My English teacher was not interested in teaching much. People around me have much better vocab than I do. But I still want to be a writer. I don't know if the desire is real. There is no way to know. Is there? Maybe I am just in awe of Ayesha Banerjee and Carrie Bradshaw and now Hanna Horvath.

I have not been writing. And I feel guilty. All the time. I have to work on a piece and I am just procrastinating. Every night I sleep thinking I will wake up early to write. Days pass but I never do. Weekends just go by. Whenever the guilt is too much, I console myself by reading. I am reading a lot these days. I also listen to podcasts where people talk about books and writing. I have all the inspiration. I have ideas bubbling in me. Why is it so hard to just sit down and write them down? Ughh.

Finally, at least I came back to my blog after weeks.