Ramblings

 [8:24 AM]

After writing the last blog, I got inspired to declutter my notes group on Whatsapp. I read about this app on Twitter (Notion) that allows you to make lists and immediately downloaded it. Then last morning, while being in bed, I reorganised my reading list. The list that I have made from the book mentions in some of my favourite blogs, a few Twitter threads, etc. Today I downloaded a few of those books. A couple of months ago, I was not able to read at all and I was mostly spending my time binging and scrolling through. Then somehow Deborah Levy pulled me back and just like that I am reading again. It makes me happy.

I am travelling for work today. I will be spending the next three nights at three different locations. The thought doesn't excite me though. It actually bothers me. I am most worried about toilets. So now you will hear from me next week, I think.

On some days, I like the silence of mornings, it calms me down. While on others, it bothers me and I start spiralling about things. Although I think the people I speak to matter a lot. Family, friends, colleagues and anyone who I am talking to on the phone or through texts/emails affect my mood more than they should.

I think I have grown more comfortable with this blog also. When I started, I was most worried about the point of all this. What is it going to give me? How will I benefit from this? What will I learn from this? However, somehow I am not thinking about any of that at this moment. 

Often I think about the digital footprint of people and what happens when they die. Someone I knew of in my grad college who would have been 27 today just like me died two years ago. She suffered from acute Leukemia. Her death was too sudden. She herself didn't see it coming. Every year, now on her birthday, I get reminded of her because people start posting on her Facebook timeline. Every year, then, I go back and look at her old pictures/ posts that she uploaded on Facebook. It makes me feel a certain way, although I can't describe that feeling. It's strange.

My experience of visiting gynaes since I was 20, my two surgeries, and numerous health checkups, have shaped me in ways I can't define. I am scared of hospital visits, I am scared of death (I don't know if everyone is). More than scared, it's better to call it anxiety. Shaheen Bhatt's book validated how I feel. I could relate to her when she said that she has visited hospitals for panic attacks thinking that it's a heart attack. I go to the office in auto and I think about toppling down the road and dying in a road accident. When I went to Chamba last year, my first thought was how and where will I get a hospital in such a remote location if I need one. So now you know I think about death quite a lot. I also inevitably end up thinking about my loved ones, especially P, reading this blog after my death.

Although I don't want it to happen anytime soon. I feel like I have just started living. I have built a home for the first time. I also truly believe that my 30s and my 40s will be a lot better than my 20s. I am looking forward to life. 

Okay. I have rambled enough. Bye, see you soon!