Shit Show

I had weird last 24 hours. I witnessed how two women turn on each other because of one man. And how the entire world blames either of the two women but the man still gets away. The women blame each other. The world blames them and calls them names. They become the hysterical witches who are paranoid and insecure and unnecessarily possessive. While this man who grew up in a sexist setup, and was never taught how to be with women is in a position of power and influence now. It's a shit show. This man's world is a shit show.

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I have realised that if I want to write this blog consistently, I will have to make sure that I take out 30 mins for this in the morning. The day just goes by and in the evening I don't feel like writing. Sometimes I feel that I seek too much comfort.

I am watching a lot of silent vlogs these days. Especially House Number 26. It's weird but I find it calming to watch women on the screen do mundane everyday activities. I want to create vlogs too. Although, I am not sure if I can really do it.

Anyway, I am too distracted to write more today. If I do create a vlog this weekend, you will know. The chances are bleak though.

Bye!

Didn't want to write today

 [11:55 PM]

I didn't want to write today. I am just here because they say that showing up every day is important. I had a lot of work. I did some. Went out to have dinner with a relative who was in my city by chance. Overthought. Overshared. Felt vulnerable and tried to not overthink it. Drowned the voices in my head by watching a Youtube video and now I am in bed. 

There is too much food in the fridge and it is bothering me. I also don't like most of it, which makes it worse.

I read my last two blogs and cringed. It felt so unnecessary and self-indulgent. What's the point plus it's not even good writing. On most days I don't like what I write, or how I write. There is just this desire to write like those few people who I like to read. Sometimes it feels like I don't want it enough.

I have an editor's response to a pitch I sent two weeks ago. I need to work on that but I am not doing it.

Okay, going to sleep now.
Bye!

Who are you?

[7:18 AM]

It's hard to form sentences right now. My thoughts are all over the place. I woke up at 6 and then slept again only to see a weird dream. I don't know what it means.

I met my school friend who recently got married in my hometown. She told me that she and her husband are living separately because it was good for her career. She also said that she was becoming dependent on him a lot for her happiness.

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I was an obedient child. I was raised to be one. I always thought that if my parents are giving me freedom and letting me study in the best school, I should be grateful to them. I strived to be a good child and consistently sought their approval. I thought I needed to do that and only then will I be allowed to go to a big city and follow my dreams.

I didn't have dreams though. Apart from moving to a big city and earning my own money. My only motivation to do well in school was that I didn't want to be one of the women I grew up with. 

Even though deep down maybe I am?

As an independent young adult, technically I should be very comfortable doing my own thing. But I am not. I constantly feel the gaze. I still subconsciously seek their approval.

I read somewhere that - 'You can only be free when you are ok disappointing people'. It seems simple but somehow it's not. At least not for me. I know how hard I work on it every day. I am hoping that someday all this work will finally accumulate and show. 

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Last weekend I was talking to another school friend who said that among all the people she knows, I changed the most when I moved to Delhi. I also think so.

I was completely different in college, especially during the first two years of graduation. I was doing everything that I judged girls for in school. I won't say I became my own person. But I was not the person that I used to be at home.

As a 27-year-old, when I think about this, it gives me an identity crisis. How will you know who you are, when you are constantly trying to become what others want you to be? The voice that keeps telling me things in my head. Is it really mine? Did I not like dressing up and decking up as a young girl or did I not do it because I was a 'good daughter' and this made my folks happy. There are hundreds of examples like this. I don't really know who I would have become if I didn't follow the gendered code of conduct that was passed on to me. I don't blame anyone for this. Because there were still girls around me who didn't conform. They were ridiculed, mocked, and scolded. And I was happy being a good child until I wasn't, which happened very late.

Everyone rebels in their teens but I didn't. I never understood 'rebels' like I do now. Because I am a rebel, maybe a silent one most of the time, gathering the courage to speak up.

Rebels don't fit it, no matter how much they try but they don't. Once they realise this, they have two options. One is to live a life that's a lie and pretend to fit in. The second is to defy the norms, be a 'rebel', and be someone who is not liked by most. This must be difficult but I feel it's especially difficult for women.

It must be hard to be a bad woman but it must also be extremely freeing. I want to feel that freedom. One day, hopefully. 

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Time to go. I have to go to office again today.
Bye!

And it begins!

[7:24 AM]

It's a Monday morning. I have woken up like a zombie. Didn't have a good sleep. But turns out, that it's a good day to start something that I have been wanting to start for weeks now.

Julie and Julia + Rumlolarum + Atomic Habits + My own desire to call myself a writer led me here. It took me so much time to start this because I was terrified of failing. It's not easy to do something consistently. I didn't want to add this one to the list of unfinished things that I wanted to do but could never do. But now I am here. 

I am going to start blogging. Everyday. Yes. Why? I will tell you:

1. I want to write every day even if I am not getting paid for it. I think if not better, it will at least make me a more disciplined writer.
2. The idea of having a ritual or something that you do every day, on good and bad days fascinates me. It's extremely challenging but also exciting. 
3. I have a lot of thoughts. Too many thoughts I would say. And a release might just do good to me and my mental health.
4. Obviously, I want to be Julie and Carrie Bradshaw. I might not be as interesting but I can try.
5. No one is going to read this blog but I am still scared of putting myself out there. I want to get over that fear.
6. I love archiving my life. I love the idea of being able to go back and see how I felt in the past.

That's it. I think that's a good number of reasons.

Generally, I work from home on Mondays but today I have to go to the office. This is the first time I am spending two hours every day travelling for work. And surprisingly, on most days I don't hate it. 

Although today might be an exception. I need sleep to function. A lot of it.

Now, before I start rambling in the first blog itself, I need to end this. 

Bye! See you tomorrow.