Who are you?

[7:18 AM]

It's hard to form sentences right now. My thoughts are all over the place. I woke up at 6 and then slept again only to see a weird dream. I don't know what it means.

I met my school friend who recently got married in my hometown. She told me that she and her husband are living separately because it was good for her career. She also said that she was becoming dependent on him a lot for her happiness.

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I was an obedient child. I was raised to be one. I always thought that if my parents are giving me freedom and letting me study in the best school, I should be grateful to them. I strived to be a good child and consistently sought their approval. I thought I needed to do that and only then will I be allowed to go to a big city and follow my dreams.

I didn't have dreams though. Apart from moving to a big city and earning my own money. My only motivation to do well in school was that I didn't want to be one of the women I grew up with. 

Even though deep down maybe I am?

As an independent young adult, technically I should be very comfortable doing my own thing. But I am not. I constantly feel the gaze. I still subconsciously seek their approval.

I read somewhere that - 'You can only be free when you are ok disappointing people'. It seems simple but somehow it's not. At least not for me. I know how hard I work on it every day. I am hoping that someday all this work will finally accumulate and show. 

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Last weekend I was talking to another school friend who said that among all the people she knows, I changed the most when I moved to Delhi. I also think so.

I was completely different in college, especially during the first two years of graduation. I was doing everything that I judged girls for in school. I won't say I became my own person. But I was not the person that I used to be at home.

As a 27-year-old, when I think about this, it gives me an identity crisis. How will you know who you are, when you are constantly trying to become what others want you to be? The voice that keeps telling me things in my head. Is it really mine? Did I not like dressing up and decking up as a young girl or did I not do it because I was a 'good daughter' and this made my folks happy. There are hundreds of examples like this. I don't really know who I would have become if I didn't follow the gendered code of conduct that was passed on to me. I don't blame anyone for this. Because there were still girls around me who didn't conform. They were ridiculed, mocked, and scolded. And I was happy being a good child until I wasn't, which happened very late.

Everyone rebels in their teens but I didn't. I never understood 'rebels' like I do now. Because I am a rebel, maybe a silent one most of the time, gathering the courage to speak up.

Rebels don't fit it, no matter how much they try but they don't. Once they realise this, they have two options. One is to live a life that's a lie and pretend to fit in. The second is to defy the norms, be a 'rebel', and be someone who is not liked by most. This must be difficult but I feel it's especially difficult for women.

It must be hard to be a bad woman but it must also be extremely freeing. I want to feel that freedom. One day, hopefully. 

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Time to go. I have to go to office again today.
Bye!