Guilt

It's been 18 days since I have written here. I was supposed to write every day. In the last 18 days, I have thought about writing every day though. I am reading a writer's (Deborah Levy's) three part memoir. I am watching this show called 'Girls' where the protagonist is a writer. I think about writing and the struggles of it all the time. However, it still took me 18 days to come back here.

Today was also hard. It was a long day. A lot of it was spent in the auto going and coming back from work. I don't particularly hate travelling for work. At least on most days. Especially when the podcast episode that I am listening to interests me. The long auto ride seems worth it then. 

A friend asked me yesterday - 'Are you writing'

I said no. 

I wanted to explain her, tell her why I am not writing. But in, my head all of it seemed like excuses that I didn't want to say out loud. It been almost a month since I have received an editor's response over an idea that I shared. She wants to hear where my research has led me. I feel guilty all the time that I have not responded to her but I still haven't. I don't know if I am being lazy or this is called procrastination or is it just life.

Today while going to work I was listening to a podcast where a writer was talking about books and writing and life and observation. I feel like my mind works at it best when I am in the auto watching people and buses and traffic and just everyone looking as lost as me. 

I was remembering all these things from my childhood and I was surprised how vividly I remember the details of some of those memories. I remember it so clearly that I can almost see it in front of me happening right now. Most of those memories are not good though. Most of them are terrible, the worst. I don't know if I have any good memories that I remember as vividly. I hope I do.

It's been one of those days, when I have been in my head. Thoughts come and go fast, I don't know how to keep a track of them, or archive them, or focus on one of them. I feel like I lose them. 

I was also thinking about the kind of things that I write. Can I write words like boobs, pussy in my writing? Can I explore uncomfortable feelings? Can I write things that are true but necessarily not pleasing? I am having trouble even writing examples here. It's so hard for me to be truthful to my writing.

I know that my personality of constantly thinking about people and feeling their gaze is not doing me any good but today I realised how bad it is for my writing too.

I can't even blog or journal if I can't say the truth. If I can't say my truth.