Phoebe-Horvath

[10:20 PM]

I changed the name of my blog today. It's named after two fictional characters that have influenced me the most. 

Phoebe Buffay, I loved watching you in my early twenties. Hannah Horvath, you made my late twenties more interesting. 

There have been so many more women who I have loved watching on screen. I have wanted to become them. Maybe in my pursuit, I also imbibed some of what they had. From Jo March to Anne to Lorelai Gilmore and Carrie Bradshaw even Jules Ostin and Ayesha Banerjee. 

I grew up in a small town watching YRKKH on StarPlus and so much of what I thought at that point was because of these TV shows. Much later, when I moved to Delhi and especially when I moved to Bombay for TISS, I was exposed to content that had real women. Women that I was looking for. Women who I could relate to. Women who made me feel less alone. Women who taught me what no education could ever teach me.

I wish and hope that someday I am able to write about these women and also those who were ridiculed in my extended family and society in general because they chose themselves. Or sometimes only because they lived and they wanted to be happy.

 It's annoying how much I think about writing and feel guilty about not writing than I actually write. I think about writing all the time. Sometimes I form the sentences and paragraphs in my mind but then either sit in front of the TV watching something passively or take my phone and scroll through mindlessly.

The last few days have been good. Mostly. There are restless anxious moments when I spiral for no particular reason, or when a family member's words trigger me. But it's mostly been okay. I have been working from home so that helps. 

I am so so much grateful for the house that I am living in right now. It's been four months and I still can't get over the sunlight that comes into my bedroom around dusk, the skyline, the clouds and the view I can see from my balcony. The fact that I hear no traffic noises in the street. There is no rush of any kind. We keep spotting snakes on our evening walks. The continuous breeze, the freedom to be me, the solitude, and the companionship that this place has given me is something that I have never experienced before. 

There are still things and moments that bother me, the shadow of my roots won't leave me easily but I am trying to be immune. I read somewhere that 'Freedom is when you are okay with disappointing people and I want to be okay now.

I am fucking 27. The only person I should be making happy and living for is me. That is the best thing I can do for myself and everyone who truly loves me. 

If you are reading this, and you know more women characters (in books or in movies) who I will love who are somewhat like Hannah Horvath or Lorelai Gilmore, please recommend them.