P's Notes

I leave drafts unfinished Sometimes I don't find the words to write the story that's been coming to me for months Often, I get scared and delete the four lines that I wrote I hated the four lines anyway How does it matter The idea still lives in my head, it doesn't leave I moved on to something else Something that's easier, that's passive in a hope that I will come back someday and write without the fear of a blank page and without deleting the beginnings Bad days are too bad  I can only manage to finish work  and eat and sleep, sleep a lot Good days are too good make me happy and jumpy  takes away the motivation to write how do I find the medium ones,  the days I can write on? I remain restless with words still struggling to come out

 [7:05] I have been up since 6:30. A bad dream mimicking the past reality woke me up. My full bladder didn't let me go back to sleep.  My past, my childhood never leaves me. I often wish there was an antagonist there. Someone I can blame, who had no context, no backstory and neither a good intention. It would have made my story easier and simpler. I would have had someone to blame for the bad dreams. I wish I found it easier to blame people without looking at their context. I always end up thinking about their context, how did they grow up, what they didn't have, and why they behave as they do.   I have a fear of people screaming and yelling. When I see someone yelling, my mind automatically starts imagining the far worst things and situations possible. I don't know how I am able to imagine those situations because I have never really seen them unfold. I might have seen them on TV or imagined them while reading/watching the news. News is the worst. I remember the term dushk

Shampooing my hair seems to be one of the biggest struggles in life. Some women shampoo alternate days, some twice a week, I wait for the entire week to wash my hair. I wait till it becomes greasy and unbearable. I have thought about breaking this pattern but I am not sure if I have made enough effort. Yesterday while watching someone's vlog, I suddenly decided to spend (or waste?) some money on a fancy conditioner, hair oil and a face mask. I am not a face mask person. I have never used it. But it seems like a good idea suddenly. I was happy when it got delivered. I have not used it till now though. It claims to remove blackheads and whiteheads and help with acne-prone skin. I mean why not! I hope I start using the hair oil I have bought. I haven't been able to write. That half-written piece will choke me it seems but I still won't be able to finish it. Let's see. After two days, yesterday I woke up not feeling tired. My throat was feeling better suddenly. The day went

 [11:12] I can't believe there is a dear diary situation going on here. I maintained many diaries growing up. Didn't know will end up replicating something similar in an online blog. The Sunday evening dread has set in. I have to go to work tomorrow. I feel tired thinking about it. There are a couple of blogs I visit every day in a hope that there might be a new post. I like reading about other people's anxieties and the mundane details of their everyday life. It's comforting. I had a dream last night. I was in my in-law's place. My mother-in-law's mother had come to meet me and I didn't have sindoor in my bag. I was freaking out. I don't remember what happened after. This phrase was ringing in my head after coming back from work on Friday - The banal worries of a woman's life. In the auto, while coming back from work, I was thinking about how will I dress up when his folks come to my place here, how will the routine look like, what will we eat, and