Bad Dreams

 [7:05]

I have been up since 6:30. A bad dream mimicking the past reality woke me up. My full bladder didn't let me go back to sleep. 

My past, my childhood never leaves me. I often wish there was an antagonist there. Someone I can blame, who had no context, no backstory and neither a good intention. It would have made my story easier and simpler. I would have had someone to blame for the bad dreams.

I wish I found it easier to blame people without looking at their context. I always end up thinking about their context, how did they grow up, what they didn't have, and why they behave as they do.  

I have a fear of people screaming and yelling. When I see someone yelling, my mind automatically starts imagining the far worst things and situations possible. I don't know how I am able to imagine those situations because I have never really seen them unfold. I might have seen them on TV or imagined them while reading/watching the news. News is the worst.

I remember the term dushkarm used in the Hindi daily that came to my house. For the longest time, I didn't know what it meant. But there was a pattern in how those columns were headlined or their placement or size in the papers. It somehow normalised it. It seemed like it wasn't a big deal for the people writing it, or for the folks who were reading it.  It did become a big deal for me though. The childhood me vividly imagined those stories when she read them.

There is a woman who used to live right in front of my childhood home. She lives in a joint family with a lot of people. I remember her as a regular timid homemaker as a child. I moved to Delhi in 2013. And somehow in the years after I moved something changed. I started hearing that she isn't mentally okay. I heard someone say Itna daba diya unko. People whispered about how her husband is violent to her. There were also whispers that her sisters-in-law aren't good to her. I don't know what happened. What appalls me though is that it isn't a big deal. It does not make anyone's heart ache to see her like that. Her husband still has a social life. He isn't questioned. No one asks him what happened to his wife.

My maternal grandmother is also not mentally okay. She also does not have anyone to blame. There are no antagonists. The antagonists are also now good and kind people taking care of her. Maybe because they were never the antagonists and their situations were. My mother tells me that nani was the first graduate in her village. She wanted to become a teacher but couldn't because she was married off in a joint family. She liked wearing watches. She told my mother to not get me married until I start earning my own money. People only talk about how difficult she is to live with. No one really bothers to talk about what happened to her and why did it happen. 

I often wonder if this is my mother's future too. Does she also have a lot inside her that needs healing? I also wonder if this could be my future as well. I mean it's not like I am taking therapy or doing anything actively to let it out. I don't know. 

Someone said the other day that patriarchy does not affect women like me like it affected our mothers. How do I explain to him that it haunts me? How do I explain to him that I have lived with the fear of violence all my life even though I have never really seen it unfold? How do I tell him that the unhealed traumas of women who came before me are inside me too? Can I just hate men? It would have been easier to do that. On some days I do. But mostly it's hard for me because my mind starts understanding their context too. 

A couple of years ago, when I was home for the holidays I heard the aunties gossiping on a cold winter morning. She got some from her husband today. I heard it. The news or the gossip didn't make anyone sad or alarmed. It seemed normal. Like they have heard it before, might have gossiped about it before. It might have even happened to them before. It seemed like a normal regular thing.

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Seems like I only come to writing when I have had a bad dream. 

I have had weird past 3-4 days, and have been struggling to keep it together both mentally and physically. Yesterday evening was good though. We bought a few plants and I couldn't stop staring at them after. Especially the one that's right outside my kitchen. Hmm, so I don't know its name. But it's big and so beautiful. I also kept a small plant on my work desk and suddenly it looks so much better. I really like the house that I am living in now.

If I really like it so much, why can't I just live here forever? Because I will find something better. It's always about finding something better and no feeling is final. I sometimes wish though I could pause life on a good feeling. My head immediately tells me that it won't be a good feeling any longer if you pause life on it. Ah. Whatever.

Have a good day! (I am telling this to me, in case you were wondering)