The Morning Visitor

The corner of my bed lits up.

I try to close the curtains,

I wish to sleep some more.

But clearly you, the stubborn light 

falling on my face with all your warmth

do not wish so.

I get irritated and go to another side.

Tossing and turning on the bed

didn't help last night.

But how would a morning visitor know that?

And hence I don't blame you.

You don't know the nights.

And you hardly know the darkness. 

Your continuous knock on the door

annoy me at first but after a while

I get used to the knocks, to your warmth.

You come to me every day and give me

these early morning warm cuddles

I don't tell this to you often 

But I like your stubbornness

I like how you do not give up on me.

You don't see the teary-eyed nights 

or the soaked pillows 

But my morning face, puffy eyes

And smudged kajal tells you the story.

You believe it and choose to not run away

It takes courage to hug or cuddle

what is broken,

your wrapped arms can make it break down

or fall apart even more.

But you know how important it is to fall apart,

And hence you don't mind the ugliness.

Even when I am the most unwelcoming host

You don't skip coming to my window.

You are my stubborn early morning visitor

And I like opening my eyes to you. 

ढोंग

खुद पे हस लेता हूँ, 

थोड़ी मौज ले लेता हूँ,

आज के दिन को अगर, 

मैं थोड़ा सा जी लेता हूँ,

तो वो मासूमियत से पूछती है,

कल जो तुम थे, 

क्या वो फिर ढोंग था क्या? 

मुस्कुराकर उसको मै,

जी भर के देख लेता हूँ,

सवाल के बदले,

एक सवाल पूछ लेता हूँ,  

भोर के धूप की रंगत,

संध्या की तपन से अलग थी,

तो क्या वो फिर ढोंग था क्या? 

Lost and Never Found

I found you beautiful when I first met you.

But I don't remember what I saw that day.

Please remind me?

The fact that I can't remember it now,

is making me anxious.

I liked the beauty.

It calmed me down.

Fewer thoughts were going in and out.

Less traffic, less crowd,

Inside my head, for a while.

I won't lie. I wanted to get used to it.

I belonged to you for a while.

In this space, where I am constantly

surrounded by people who come and go

unceremoniously in each other's life,

I thought you are the one who likes to stay.

I thought you liked slow walks and long pauses.

But then slowly and eventually,

the magic started fading away.

There was a charm around you on the first day.

That made me feel better about life.

About people.

But then it vanished.

I kept looking for that person in you.

And failed miserably. Repeatedly. 

The kiddo who was smiling to you that day,

wanted you to smile back at her.

But you didn't for you were too busy for "petty" things.

I kept watching you looking away from the kid.

Trying to know what made you this.

Are you damaged or is it just that

the brick inside you is different from mine?

Something that I can't quite understand. 

For a while, your existence gave me a home.

You know how it is when you meet somebody

who looks like you on another planet?

It was exactly like that.

But then something changed.

And I lost the lady,

I thought I fell in love with.

Void

I bared my heart in front of someone today,

But I don't know how I feel about it.

I visited the long-forgotten lanes yet again today,

But I don't know how I feel about it.

I took her along with me,

on the lane that was once my home. 

But it was different today. 

For there was no lump in my throat 

while I showed her the dead trees.

There was not a tear in my eyes

when I took her over the crumpled leaf.

I was walking with her and showing her things,

as if I was never there before,

as if that lane was never a part of my life.

I wish I knew how did this happen.

How I grew over something,

that once killed a part of me.

I don't remember when did it stop hurting.

But it feels hollow for the pain is gone.

There is a deep void and I don't know what to fill it with.

I wonder if the pain was better than the void.

I wonder what would I choose if I had a choice.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

Rains can't be romantic for everyone. While I am sitting here on my window with a cup of tea writing how poetic this weather is, there are other people out there on the streets trying to navigate through the city amidst this heavy shower. Not just streets, even the roof on my head that I am taking for granted is a privilege for so many people. 

I loved rains till the time raincoats did not become an inseparable part of it. Not that it's important but I have always hated raincoats and mosquito nets. They are confining and somehow always end up suffocating me. Umbrellas are lovely though, but they were never an option because I used to go to school on cycle. I remember how every day I used to come home drenched in rain (happily) and then make the same excuse that I forgot my raincoat at home. This went on until the day my mom started keeping it, in my bag, by herself each morning. 

Everyone has that one friend who always stays without asking any question. Rain, in my life, has been that one friend. It stays on a happy day when there are butterflies in my stomach while I am holding someone's hand, it stays during those warm random hugs that I give to my friends, it stays to make all these moments even more special. It also stays on those lonely days when I am walking back home and crying. These rain droplets fall on my face and talk to the tears on my cheeks. They don't console or try to make it any better. They just stay and hide my loneliness and tears from the rest of the world. They stay there to remind me that this too shall pass.

I Am Her Cushion

Every night she comes to me,

hugs me and sleeps.

I am her cushion.

It isn't monotonous though.

For the way she holds me is different,

Her arms feel different.

On some days, she clinches them around me tightly.

As if I am her solace, her only companion.

It feels good to be hugged like that.

But I can't look at her on these days,

For she is too lonely, too vulnerable.

I feel helpless when it becomes difficult to comfort her.

For that's my only job.

I don't like the nights when I have to absorb her tears.

On such nights I wish, I could cry too.

She won't understand, but it's difficult when all of it builds up inside you.

Or maybe she will, for she often can't vent it out too.

But she has me.

I am her cushion.

There are days when she doesn't need me.

I am thrown on one corner of the bed.

And she sleeps with her phone.

I see her smiling. She doesn't need me to comfort her.

On such days, I miss her.

I miss her arms, her smell, her breath.

But I am not supposed to feel all these things.

I can't be vulnerable and lonely.

For I am her cushion.

Invisible

I thought you would check on me 

if I am okay; if I slept alright.

When I told you, I am in pain

I thought you would care

to ask, what happened.
 But you didn't. Neither did you.

Actually none of you. 

I suddenly became invisible

to everyone around.

You stuck by me in the happier times

Then what changed now?

You said I was fun and quirky

And that you gonna be around always.

How did that "always" end so fast?

How could you not see

that I was dying inside

And I needed you to 

just pull me back once.

Is this how it works?

Was I also not around,

when you needed me? Maybe.

But then what is the point?

Of having people. 

What is the point if you can't 

find solace in any of them.

When no one can be there 

to pull you back, to heal you.

You made me feel miserable,

needy and clingy. I hated myself. 

I wonder if I also did that to you.

After a while, I became numb.

I got used to the pain

and to you not being around.

But it broke me.

Something inside me died.

And I can never go back to who I was.

  Is that why adults are so damaged?
Because they hurt and they are hurt

On their way to the unknown

they kill a part of each other.

Living with a broken soul.

Is that what growing up means?

I Don't Like Tea

Every morning papa makes tea for ma and amma. Ma loves it. Amma not so much. I think amma likes the tea but she doesn't like the fact that papa makes it. This time when I went home for vacation, papa used to wake me up too for morning tea. I wondered why because I don't like tea. We used to sit and chat about random stuff. On some good mornings, he would tease amma till she has a giggly fit. After this morning dose of tea and chit-chat, papa would rush to get ready for work. Ma would be off to the kitchen and amma would go out to get flowers for "pooja". And I would slowly tiptoe my way back to the room to get some more sleep.

"Shaam ki chai" is the time when all three of them sit together and discuss chores and errands. On most evenings, the discussion is interrupted when amma starts rushing towards the gate hearing the call of the vegetable vendor. I follow her too for the conversations that happen among the vegetable vendor, amma and neighborhood aunties are far too interesting to be missed. The vegetable vendor is a young man and he is very fond of amma. He calls her "aiyya". I remember when amma got ill, he used to bring her radish leaves every day. 

I don't like tea but I have it sometimes for it reminds me of home. It often brings back the melancholy, and I enjoy it. So the next time your mom calls you downstairs for tea, don't tell her you are busy. Go have tea. She misses your company and you miss it too.

PS: I don't like people who assume that I like coffee when I tell them I don't like tea. Please don't be one of them.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

This is about the days when abruptly anytime the ceiling fan used to stop working. The days when there were no "backups," no inverters. I used to run to my mother's room in the middle of the night and she would use my favorite handheld fan to help me sleep. That fan was handmade. Dadi made several for us. They were of beautiful bright colors, some had embroidery over them.

This is about the summers when everybody at home would eventually go upstairs and sleep on the cot, beneath the stars, except my father and me. My father used to complain about mosquitoes and I had weird complaints. It was difficult for me to sleep beneath the stars. Those millions of stars had the company of each other and they made me feel alone. Alone in a strange way. I remember how difficult it was for me to continuously look at them while trying to sleep. It felt as if there is a hollow tunnel and as much as I would look at it, I would keep going inside. I was intimidated by the vastness.

Little did I know that it's a privilege to have a sky above you that is filled with these tiny sparkling gems. Am I missing that feeling? The feeling of being intimidated by the vastness. I wonder if I miss that hollow tunnel too. Or is it just the fact, that a part of my childhood is lost, that is bothering me. I don't know. I don't think I will ever know. 

Is it strange if I say that I miss those dark nights that I had back in my hometown? We don't have such nights anymore. The nights that used to be lit only by the silvery moonlight and twinkling stars. There weren't many lights. I miss that sky. I miss the stars. I wonder if they are gone because they are miffed about how I used to feel about them back then. Can you ask them to come back? Can you tell them I am sorry and that I was not alone in their presence? They kept me company. They have been a part of my love for the moon and my fear of darkness. Can you please convince them to come back?

I grew up singing "Twinkle twinkle little star." How will it be if after a decade your daughter asks you, what are stars and how do they twinkle? Wouldn't it be heartbreaking to not be able to show your kid something so precious, so beautiful? What did we do? In an effort to bring everything to our feet, we lit the whole earth and let the stars drown in this arrogant bright artificial glare.

Don't you miss the sky of your childhood? The sky that was filled with stars!

Broken Pieces

Something just broke inside me.

But there was no sound. No shatter.

I don't know if it hurts.

I feel too numb.

Too distant. Too lost. 

This looks like a dark box,

filled with sharp broken pieces.

Pieces that pierce my feet.

I am banging all the walls,

to find a door. 

A door that can lead me out of this.

To a place that doesn't

smell like a chemistry lab. 

To a place where there is sunshine

to keep me warm.

I keep trying for some time.

But it seems like there is no door.

Tired, I fell on the rugged mat.

And went to sleep.

Hoping to wake up in another place.

In a place where I can breathe.

मुनिया की दादी

कुछ महसूस हुआ, और उसके बारे में लिख़ने गयी तो उस जज़्बात के लिए शब्द ही नहीं मिले | जीवन में कितनी सारी ऐसी बातें, ऐसे इत्तेफ़ाक़ होते हैं जिन्हे हम अक्सर याद कर लिया करते हैं | उन यादों में हम एक बार फिर से वो बातें, वो इत्तेफ़ाक़ जीने की कोशिश करते हैं | पर अगर अचानक से कोई दृश्य आपको अपनी यादों के उस कोने में धकेल दे जहाँ आप पहले कभी नहीं गए तो कैसा महसूस होगा? मानो जैसे वो इत्तेफ़ाक़, वो याद आपसे रूठ के शिकायत कर रही हो |

ऐसे ही एक छुट्टी की सुबह अपनी बालकनी में बैठे हुए मेरी नज़र जब इस बालकनी पर गयी तो मेरी आँखों के सामने दादी की झलक आ गयी | वो थी तो मेरे पापा की दादी पर मै भी उनको दादी ही कहती थी | उन्होंने मुझे स्कूल जाते हुए भी नहीं देखा | वो उससे पहले ही चली गयीं थी |

उनके कमरे में एक ख़ास खुशबू हुआ करती थी | वो खुशबू याद है मुझे | दादी चुटकी बजा के मुझे कुछ सुनाया करती थी | उनकी चुटकी याद है मुझे | उस समय मै सोचती थी कि जादू है, कि दो उंगलियों से कैसे आ जाती है ये आवाज़ | जब मैंने उनसे पूछा तो उन्होंने मुझे भी चुटकी बजाना सिखा दिया | फिर हम दोनों बाहर धूप में बैठ के साथ में चुटकी बजाया करते थे | मेरे बजाने पर वो खुश होती | उनकी हंसी याद है मुझे | रात में खाने के बाद पापा रोज़ उनसे पूछते थे, "का हो तरकारी कैसी बनी है?" और हर रोज़ हमे एक नया जवाब मिलता | रात में उनके साथ सोते हुए जब मै बुरे सपनों से डर जाया करती थी तो वो मुझे हनुमान चालीसा सुनाती |

दादी मुझे मुनिया कह के बुलाती थी | उनके जाने के बाद मुझे किसी ने कभी इस नाम से नहीं पुकारा | मुनिया सुनते ही मुझे उनकी चुटकी की आवाज़ और तरकारी पर उनकी हर रोज़ की टिप्पड़ी याद आ जाती है | काश वो होती और मैं उन्हें बता पाती कि मुझे मुनिया नाम कितना पसंद है | 

Where Do You Think It's Gonna Lead Me?

That fragrance reminds me of you.

That melody reminds me of you.

I zone out for my mind wanders,

to far off places, to far off people.

To everything that is miles away.

Is it like an alternate universe,

where memories reside?

Yesterday it looked like a castle,

that led me to a good night sleep.

Today it looks like a cave,

Where do you think it's gonna lead me?

Faraway Home

Dear Hugsy,

Did you ever feel at home in a strange place? Did you ever feel like this is where you have always belonged? A place that completes your incomplete jigsaw puzzle. A place that makes you cherish your existence. This feeling might be difficult for you to comprehend but I swear I am not exaggerating.

I am home now but this doesn't feel like home anymore. I want to go back. I want to go back and keep looking at the sea. I like how it goes till infinity and you can not see it's end. I like how it makes you feel tiny and helpless. This helplessness, although, is liberating. It makes you realize that you do not have control over a lot of things in your life, and at times you just need to let go.

Do you know, the sea was meeting me for the first time but it wasn't shy? It was spontaneous and crazy. Loud and clear. It never whispered. As I saw the waves coming towards me, I wondered how can people decide if they are a mountain person or a beach person. How can you choose between the two infinities? As the sea breeze brushed my hair and caressed me, I felt home. I felt like surrendering myself to that moment and somehow capturing it somewhere for I know I would crave for it tomorrow, I would want to live it again.

The sea, that day, behaved like me. Sometimes it looked angry but there were also moments when it laughed with me. I fell in love that day. I fell in love with the sea, its mood swings, its chaos and with its breeze too. I think it must have fallen for me too for it did not leave a chance to caress me. Am I making sense to you or do you think it's just my wishful thinking? 

I am scared though for I know that the sea is free and wild. The breeze that is caressing me today will turn into a storm tomorrow. It's going to hit me hard but I still don't know how to not fall in love with it. I don't know how to not fall in love with those waves that gave me goosebumps and made my whole body shiver. I think I ended up loving its wildness too.

I am back home now. The home that doesn't feel home anymore. But I know, in a faraway land, the sea is waiting for me. This time when I go, I will take you with me. You will understand me then. You will know why I miss it so much. You will also know why I keep wondering if it misses me too. 

Till then let's hug each other tightly and sleep.

Cheers!!

Do You Remember?

Do you remember the e-rickshaw ride that we had back to the campus? I was wearing my pink kurta and I guess you wore one of your breezy shirts. Do you remember how there was something wrong with the rickshaw and it was unimaginably slow and how weird it was to see everyone overtaking us, even the pedestrians? I am having all those flashbacks today when I am here after two years. Did I tell you that I didn't want that ride to end. I don't remember us speaking a lot that day. Silence did all the talks there. But I know you understood. Did you feel the electricity too?

As I go on, I feel thoughts rushing through my mind as storms. Storms that carry people; people from the past. I found myself entangled amidst the storm. I feel so much, suddenly. As I enter through the gate, I see the older me. Me who was young and stupid and naive. I see myself rushing to the class every day. It felt surreal. Like I was back in those days when life was all about the struggle of attending the 8:40 class. Everything looked the same. It's just that I felt invisible today like nobody can see me. They were passing by without noticing me. No one to wave and say hi, no one to even exchange a smile. Everyone I knew has left. This is just a place now filled with memories and flashbacks.

Do you remember how we sat outside MacDonald's on that thin platform? I thought our bums actually won't fit there but then they did. We sat and talked about life. That was the first time when we were not really using silence to talk. We found our words. I remember how you used to wrap your arms around my waist and we use to walk like little ninjas all around the campus. Do you remember the comfort we shared? 

As I walk through the baddy court, I remembered my jazz sessions. She used to tell me that I do jazz like it's Kathak. And that I need to work on my hands. She wanted me to not be shy and show the side of me that I didn't know existed. The side that is uninhibited and unapologetic. The side that doesn't care and is unabashed. She called it the sexier side and then chuckled. In those dance sessions, I used to become the person, she wanted me to be. And I used to feel liberated and free.

Do you remember those morning walks? You wanted me to sleep early and wake up early. You wanted me to see the world that I don't see every day. And you did show me. But did I tell you that the motivation was not the sunrise or the morning, it was you? Just you. Do you remember how those walks used to end every day? I hope you do.

Marley and Me

I will never know what makes this video so special. Is it John & Jenny, the kids, the dog, or the snow? Or is it just the fact that everything in their life starts changing from this very day.

I could so relate to "the list" that Jenny had in the beginning. All of us have a list. It's just that some of us are vocal about it while the others keep denying its existence. John and Jenny get married, move to a new city, get jobs but their life actually begins when they get Marley home. Marley, the dog or the devil who took the face of a dog? HAHA! It was hilarious to watch Marley getting expelled from "the obedient school." I laughed when Marley tried to crash through screen doors or run away with Jenny's undergarment or start eating everything he could from sofas to jewelry but my heart went out to him when I saw him getting restless and scared in the thunderstorm. Marley was a mess, a beautiful mess, and I don't think he could have found better parents than John and Jenny. Perhaps they needed him too. I was just sitting on the other side of the screen watching them giving each other so much love. I wanted to be in there too. But I am no dog person. I might have been scared of Marley. Though I do believe that Marley would have loved me so much that I would have ended up becoming a "Marley person."

I have never had a pet so I don't really know how it works with them. It was heartbreaking to see John and Jenny lose their first baby. But the only solace was that Jenny had Marley to hug it out. She hugged him and kept crying. Marley was there, as always. 

Marley was also there when Jenny got Patrick, their first child, home. It was funny to see John having that little chat with Marley where he is asking him to not freak out seeing the kid and at the same time expecting himself also to do the same. Marley did not freak out, he jumped at the newborn. One of my favorite scene in the movie is where Jenny introduces Marley to Patrick. 

Their life became even more adventurous now. John started capturing these little everyday adventures with Marley and Patrick in the newspaper column he wrote every week. His column used to be funny, silly, and sometimes just sad. Life went on. John and Jenny had their second baby, Conor, and subsequently the third, Colleen. But everything cannot be so dreamy. Jenny chose to leave her job to take care of the home, they were building together. She was still having a hard time managing the three babies and Marley. And then there comes a day when she just breaks down and asks John to take Marley away. I could feel Jenny's pain when she said so. I have seen my mom as exhausted as Jenny was in that moment. Raising a kid or a dog is hard. But I think it's also worth it. John and Jenny had some wonderful moments together with the family. Perhaps the last was the one in the video above. I took that video while watching the movie and then kept watching it again and again. I don't have a husband or a kid. I have never had a pet. I have also never been in snow but everything in that video looked just perfect. What more would anyone want from life? That day was everything that I seek. But it was the last.

Marley was old now. It was painful to see him that way. It was painful to see the kids realizing that Marley is going to die. I saw John and Jenny bring the little puppy home, then I saw them name him Marley. I also saw Marley becoming a 100-pound crazy dog. He had a good and fulfilling life. But none of this made me feel any better about what was happening. I could still not see him die. It was still harrowing to see Marley lie still in the grave while Conor and Colleen read him letters. 

In his last conversation with Marley, John said, "Listen, you know all that stuff we always said about you? What a total pain you are? The world's worst dog? Well, don't you believe it. Don't believe it for a minute. You loved us, every day, no matter what. And that's a pretty amazing thing. Look, I don't know where you're going from here, but you remember this: You're a great dog, Marley. You are a great dog." I could not do much but sob at this. Marley was indeed a great dog. He was no good boy, he was John and Jenny's Marley and you just cannot not love him. 

Goodbye clearance puppy! You had one hell of a life.

Take a Deep Breath

Take a deep breath.

This isn't the end of the world.

It's okay to feel hollow

It's okay to feel the void

The pain might be gut-wrenching

It's okay. Take a deep breath.

Do not hold back. Cry.

It's fine if you break down.

Do not punish yourself.

Your pain is yours as much as

your happiness is.

Embrace it. Let it be.

Hug your pillow, curl up inside the sheets and go to sleep. It isn't your fault.

The next morning will bring a better day.

A day where the pain might still be there.

But you shall be better prepared.

Do not push yourself but keep at it. 

The pain must not wash away,

the memory of good times.

Do not let it ruin your soul

It shall not make you a bitter person.

Take a deep breath.

This isn't the end of the world.

Isn't It High Time to Have His Firsts?

He was bogged down with all the worldly responsibilities.

Amidst daily chores, kids, and family

Somewhere he got lost.

I wonder if he ever found himself. 

For his childhood was no different.

Destiny made him an adult. So soon.

The mind that was supposed to think about games,

Was worried about earning a living.

The thought that there was no one,

to attend his parent-teacher meeting,

to wish him luck before his exams

Makes my heart ache.

There was no hand on his shoulders,

Nobody to back him up.

No one to pick him, if he falls.

He has learned to walk alone.

For he has been doing the same for a while now.

My heart aches when I think of the innocence that was killed.

Does he think about how his life would have been different,

Had there been an adult in his home. 

Had there been someone by his side.

I want to take him to woods and make him listen to the call of that bird he loves.

I want to buy him his favorite jacket, he couldn't buy for he was saving for his kid.

My heart mourns when I see him sacrificing his little pleasures.

I want him to be a little selfish, for he is fifty now.

I wonder if he is capable of doing that. 

I want to tell him to go to the mountains and see his first snowfall. 

If not now then when? Isn't it high time to have his firsts?

Half a life spent in feeding everyone.

Doesn't the other half belong to his hungry soul?

My Cup of Tea

I dread the time I go home,

and sit alone with my cup of tea.

I wonder if the tea also thinks the same.

We are left alone at each other's mercy

for quite some time.

I wonder if she likes my company.

As tears roll down my cheek, 

I see her questioning my eyes.

My cup of tea wants me to talk

As the steam touches my eyes,

I can feel her wiping my tears.

Her warmth trying to reach my soul.

The soul that has been cold for a while.

Her efforts do reach my soul,

but I still don't feel warm; I try to fake it 

for her disappointment worries me.

She is the only one, I've got for a while.

I fear losing her. I fear losing her efforts.